Your Perfect Disaster
by Siduel
Summary: A series of drabbles of fem!cas being human. Takes place after 8x23 so yeah spoilers if you haven't seen it. Expect the title to change. It's only temporary until I come up with an actual name.
1. It Hurt

_**My feels hurt and I needed this. I wanted a fem!fallen!cas after watching 8x23, mainly because I love fem!cas. So here's the first chapter to it. **_

_**There really is no plot, just drabbles of Cas being human and trying to deal with it. Maybe if I get my feels in order it'll have one, but until then.. DEAL WITH IT!**_

The first night was a horrible experience. She was cold and hungry lying on the moonlit grass. The entire day before had been spent walking. It would take another day before she would reach the bunker where her boys were. Fear overwhelmed her at the thought of calling Dean to come save her. She had let him down; she had let them all down. The only one to blame for the downfall of her family was herself, forced out of their home by an angered angel seeking revenge.

How many times has it been now that she hurt the ones she wanted to protect? It all started with the rebellion, then stopping the apocalypse, leading a civil war that lead to the leviathans running amok on the earth, and now this. A deep silence in her head where she used to hear her brothers and sisters, emotions that crushed her, guilt and regret riding in her heart. There was nothing she could do to stop it. She doubted Dean or anyone for that matter would ever forgive her for what she did.

Standing up holding on to her aching stomach, Castiel made her way to a bar. The bar tender let her use their phone. She dialed the number as if she had done it a thousand times, all but carved into the back of her mind. It rang a couple of times before someone finally answered.

"Hello?" There was a gruff voice on the other end, one that she had come to know so well.

That small simple word caused the feelings to come rushing it. Pain, fear, regret, all of it overtook her. There was no stopping the tears from leaking from her blue eyes. "Dean."

Calling out his name was all he needed to hear to know exactly who it was. "Cas? Where are you? What the hell happened?"

She couldn't speak. Her words tangled up inside her throat. Dean could hear her cries on the other end. She managed to tell him where she was after a few sobs. Within two hours he pulled up in the impala. She had been waiting outside the bar, sitting on the ground holding her knees to her chest. When he got out of the car, Castiel stood up trying to apologize. However she didn't get a single word out before he pulled her into a hug.

This hug was familiar. He had hugged her tightly just like he did when they were in purgatory. It held a silent sentence that only she could hear. "I'm so glad you're alive." The words repeating over and over again as he held onto her. It wasn't until her stomach growled in anger that they pulled apart. "Let's get you something to eat, okay? Then we'll go home."

She blindly followed him to the car as more tears filled her eyes. On the way to get food, Castiel falls asleep in the front seat. Dean occasionally looks over at her, watching over her as she slept like the many times she had watched him. It wasn't going to be easy taking care of a fallen angel.

This was different from the first time she fell. Back then they had an agenda, one of greater importance than a fallen angel. There were still angels in heaven back then too. But the greatest difference is that back then there was a small line of hope, no matter how worn out the three were there was still hope in the hearts. Now there's nothing. Sam is passed out in the bunker, in a critical almost delirious state of mind, torn and broken from the two trials. Castiel is a wreck herself, crying in her sleep whispering apologizes to everyone. Dean didn't know what to do. There was no Bobby to give him guiding, comforting words to get him through the night.

There was no one to save them, no one to help them, to kiss their wounds away, to tell them everything was going to be okay. They didn't have that pleasure. The only thing they did have was each other. And given the state they were in, that wasn't saying much.

_**There! The start of it all! Expect more within the week. If I'm lucky I might even post a chapter a week. Maybe, don't get your hopes up.**_


	2. Nightmares

**_So it's like three days late. Whatever. Don't care. Enjoy!_**

_Her fallen kin cursed her name as their wings, their once graceful wings burnt to a crisp on the way down to earth. All she could do was watching them through teary eyes, begging for the forgiveness she doesn't deserve. Laughter was heard in the background as Metatron slaughters Dean and Sam. She continued to cry, pleading for help from a nonexistent being. There was nothing that could stop this overwhelming agony in her heart. She was powerless, worthless even._

Castiel abruptly rose from her slumber. This had been the second nightmare tonight. Every time she closes her eyes, all she can see is the sky light up by falling angels. It had only been a few days since the fall of heaven. Sam had slowly started recovering, the color in his face slowly returning to normal. Hopefully he'll be himself once more after another week or two. Lying back down, Castiel put a hand over her grumbling stomach. Despite Dean's best efforts, he couldn't get her to finish her meal. She could only eat a few bites before turning away from it. It wasn't that the food tasted horrible. In fact it was delicious. Dean was quite the cook in the kitchen. However, Castiel just couldn't find it in her to eat properly.

As she lay there, Castiel looked around her room. It was set up like the other bedrooms. There was a nightstand next to the bed with a lamp on it, a shelf along the wall above her bed, a desk on one side next to a tall lamp, and a dresser full of her clothes on the other side. Dean had called up Charlie yesterday to buy clothes for Castiel and other necessities the now human woman would need.

That had been an odd experience with the woman. She kept making Castiel try on different clothes while playing something she called a montage. Charlie seemed to enjoy their time together even if Castiel didn't say much. Currently, the red haired technician was sleeping in a room she called hers. It seemed she would be staying for a while. Probably to help Dean figure out why the sirens and computers started freaking out on the night the angels fell to earth. Within one night, Charlie had decorated her room with figurines and books about worlds that don't exist.

Charlie wasn't the only one staying in the bunker temporarily. Kevin had claimed a room as well. He had willingly stayed to decipher the angel tablet to see if there was a way to reverse what Metatron did. So far there was no luck just yet. Castiel had passed by his room a couple of times. There were notes scattered about his room, covering the walls and his desk where the tablet sat. The demon and the leviathan tablet had been filed away in one of the storage rooms including all the deciphered notes on them.

Sitting up, Castiel put her bare feet on the cold concrete ground. She was wearing blue pajama shorts with little stars on them and a tank top with the same color blue. Charlie had picked it out for her. According to her, it showed off her sex appeal, whatever that means. Eventually, the fallen angel stood up to make her way to Dean's room, which was right next to hers. Her finger tips hesitated against his doorknob. He had gotten onto her yesterday for walking in without knocking. Humans apparently find it rude to walk in a room without permission.

She knocked lightly at first, but there was no sound so she knocked a little harder. This got a groaning sound from the other side of the door. She took that as an invitation to come in. "Dean?"

Dean was lying face down in his pillow; his body covering as much of the bed as possible. He lifted his head, squinting his eyes at the lights from the hallway. "The hell, Cas? It's like 1 o'clock in the morning."

"I'm sorry," she apologized, her eyes darting around her feet. After a few moments of silence, she spoke again. "I couldn't sleep."

Another moment of silence fell between them. Castiel shifted on her feet. Before she could tell what Dean was thinking or at least had a general idea what he was thinking. Now she was clueless as to what was going through the hunter's mind. Sighing, Dean moved to one side of his bed. "Come here," he ordered as he patted a spot next to him.

Obediently she laid next to him. She jumped a little when he wrapped an arm around her, but his warmth called her in. She curled up against his strong torso. Then Dean did the strangest thing. He started singing 'Hey Jude' by the Beatles. Castiel lifted her head to look up at him. "Why are you singing?"

"Shut up," Dean grumbled. "This was how I would put Sammy to sleep when we were kids." He continued where he left off as Castiel laid her head back on his chest.

To her surprised it actually worked. Before she knew it, she was fast asleep. Thankfully, she didn't have any more nightmares that night. When Dean noticed she was asleep, he stopped singing and watched her. She looked really peaceful in her sleep, almost like a baby. However, he knew better than to think that. He knew how broken and downhearted she was. Despite all her best efforts, Castiel just couldn't get a break. She kept making one mistake after the other. She had tried so hard to protect her family and the Winchester brothers only to have it be thrown back in her face. Now it was her turn to be protected, to be saved from this hell.

Dean softly kissed her forehead before going back to sleep. He'll find a way to return her grace, to undo all this madness.

_**Cas just makes me sad all around! **_


End file.
